Quiet your inner critic

“Turn down the volume of your negative inner voice and create a nurturing inner voice to take its place. When you make a mistake, forgive yourself, learn from it, and move on instead of obsessing about it. Equally important, don’t allow anyone else to dwell on your mistakes or shortcomings or to expect perfection from you.” – Beverly Engel

1.  Practice becoming aware of the inner critical voice.

This might sound simplistic but it does take practice. People often say to me, “I know I shouldn’t feel this way but” or “I know it’s so stupid but…” These simple statements are signs that our inner critic is making a judgment about ourselves, our experiences or our emotions.  So, step one is to develop your awareness of this inner dialogue and eventually reach a place of being able to simply observe these thoughts. Awareness is key to change.

2.  Practice self-compassion.

This is the anecdote to the cruel inner voice.  Rather than saying, “I’m so stupid that I can’t just get over it”, a different statement might be, “Hey this is really challenging for me and I’m trying my best”.  The first is critical and the latter is compassionate.  A great way to “check” your inner critic really quickly is to ask yourself “Would I speak to my best friend this way?”. Think about that for a second. Would you follow your best friend around all day saying, “you suck, why try, lose some weight fatty, no one likes you, you’re useless”?  Of course, you wouldn’t! That’s because we often show compassion to our friends that we aren’t showing to ourselves.

When I first speak about self-compassion, many people feel this is the same as self-pity.  People will say things like, “I don’t want to sit around feeling sorry for myself”.  Dr Kristin Neff has done beautiful work in this area and has helped to create a simple distinction between self-compassion and self-pity. Self-compassion is being kind to yourself about your struggles while holding that other people are going through struggles too. Self-pity is not holding the realization that other people are struggling; the “I have it worse than everyone else” sort of mentality. Developing a sense of self-compassion does take time but it’s worth practicing.

3.  Gently challenge it.

I recommend approaching your inner critic with curiosity and holding the understanding that our brains judge everything (it’s part of our survival if you think about it!).  Keeping this in mind, it can be helpful to gently challenge your inner critic.  For example, if I am preparing for a job interview, my inner critic might be “on steroids” …loud, intrusive and difficult to ignore.  Cognitions such as:

You’re going to humiliate yourself.

No one wants to hire you.

You don’t have the experience or skill.

You’ll say something stupid.

You’re wasting your time.

I might challenge this by writing down more adaptive thoughts such as:

I have done well in past interviews.

I have 5 years experience in this area.

I have been offered jobs before.

The worse that will happen is I do not get hired.

It’s normal to feel nervous or scared before an interview.

I find that tangible adaptive thoughts are more effective. Rather than saying “I am smart”, it can be more effective to say, “I’ve been hired 10 times before”.  Our minds can argue easier with the first statement when we are feeling particularly down, whereas if it is a tangible fact, it’s harder for our inner critic “to disagree” with it so to speak. This is a classic Cognitive Behavioral Therapy exercise. Write down the event, the emotion and your cognitions/thoughts. When you see your inner critic’s cognitions on paper, it can be easier to write challenges to this.

4.  Do not become or stay immobilized in shame.

Without taking some action, we are at risk of becoming immobilized in our own shame; cue disconnection, isolation, overeating, anger, yelling and more. Brene Brown, a shame and vulnerability researcher and author, defines shame as, “the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging – something we’ve experienced, done, or failed to do makes us unworthy of connection”. She moves on to discuss the difference between shame and guilt and has this to say about guilt, “guilt is adaptive and helpful – it’s holding something we’ve done or failed to do up against our values and feeling psychological discomfort”. Simply put, shame is labeling our character and guilt is labeling our behavior. This distinction goes far beyond semantics and is important to pay close attention to.

5.  Take action

Not falling into a shame spiral involves taking action. When we have moved to a place of shame, there are key actions that can make a massive difference.

–Talk to a trusted friend, family member or therapist: Shame begins to lose its powerful grasp the moment we share it with someone else and serves as a reminder that we are not alone in our experience.  So many times, when I have shared my shameful experiences with others, I am met with a “me too”.

– Exercise or move your body: Once you get your body moving, your nervous system becomes more regulated and you can more easily access healthier thought patterns. Exercise promotes the production of neurohormones such as norepinephrine that are associated with improved cognitive functioning and boosting mood.  To put simply, moving your body and exercising helps you think more clearly. This doesn’t have to mean a bootcamp style class, just put your shoes on, get outside and take a walk. This can also mean changing your body posture. If you’re in a business meeting or talking on the phone to your mother who can be quite critical, stand up, lift your chin, put both feet on the floor and take a deep breath.

–Use a positive affirmation: When you notice your inner critic is as I say, standing on a table with a megaphone, have a pre-chosen affirmation ready.  Affirmations such as, “I am enough” or “My worth is not negotiable” or “I am trying my best today”.  Reset and repeat your affirmation as many times as you need.

–Name your inner critic: This is an Acceptance and Commitment Therapy strategy and I find, the more humor you can use the better!  Naming it means you can identify it quickly and using humor can help shift the shame. Brene Brown refers to hers as “gremlins”.  Others I have heard have included the nag, the terminator, the wicked witch of the west and the lizard. This can also shift the way you relate to the inner critic. I can almost start viewing “the nag” for example as a caring but overzealous old friend.

Summary:

Develop awareness of your inner critic. A quiet mind can distinguish more effectively between your inner critic and your inner guidance

• Respond with self-compassion- would I speak this way to my best friend?
• Gently challenge with curiosity and understanding.
• Take action.
  1. Talk to a trusted family member, friend or therapist
  2. Exercise or move your body- fresh air if possible
  3. Use a positive affirmation
  4. Name your inner critic

What is the Inner Critic?